I hate Howard Donald, I hate his surprising lack of talent, I hate his weird under-bite that reminds of a duck’s face and even his name which, upon reflection, is where I really get the duck association from*. I also hate that he was one of the many people overjoyed at the news two rich inbreeds will be spending our money on a wedding. This in a time of what were told is aggressive austerity. People are angrily shouting about their indifference and spending a lot of time stating how much they couldn’t care less. We haven’t had such an explosion of poor wit since the Pope’s visit.
Not that Howard the Donald Duck is massive royalist that I know of, he was overjoyed along with a whole slew of people because he was able to bury the news of his Super Injunction underneath a whole bunch of flag waving jingoistic piffle. For others try here.
For those of you that don’t know a Super Injunction is awarded not only to stop the media talking about a story, but also saying that such an injunction exists. Super Injunctions shot to public notoriety when oil trader Trafigura got prominent law firm Carter-ruck to grant one about the 2006 Côte d’Ivoire toxic waste dump scandal. And they have been since used by John Terry and other prominent English figures. The reason we are only hearing about these now is a year ago the Galactic High Council overturned, in this reality, a Super Duper Injunction which prevent anyone even being aware of the concept of mere Super Injunctions.
This leaves us as journalists** in an awkward position, in a world of booby-trapped stories, which should we track down and which should we avoid? Well, this is solved by a simple newsletter that is circulated once a week with all the stories we are not allowed to talk about in the press, and while it makes for fascinating reading we are sworn by a blood oath not to reveal on pain of our skin turning inside out should anyone even blink in Morse code about anything therein.
Luckily the combination of this fine, august, and tumescent organ that is Birmingham: It’s Not Shit rightly being considered as news media and the fact Jon sometimes has very poor judgement in the depths of an meth binge and let me see the newsletter means I can exclusively reveal some details of Super Injunctions currently in place that relate to you:
- Councillor Martin Mullaney is a trans-trans-trans-sexual; he feels he is a man trapped inside a woman’s body that is, in turn, trapped inside a man’s body, and very angry about this.
- Cheese giant Kraft not only bought Cadbury’s in the hostile takeover but all the land associated with it and the souls of everyone who lives there, the injunction was took out when plans to turn residents into Oopah Lumpa type plastic cheese factory workers were leaked last year.
- Jasper Carrot is an ex-SS Zombie-Nazi fugitive and a vampire, and a werewolf, and Frankenstein.
- The BT tower is actually the erection of a robot that lays dormant underneath the city.
- The Pope, while visiting Birmingham, went on human Safari in Newtown killing four and winging a particularly sprightly young mother protecting her young.
- J.R.R Tolkien had never even heard of Birmingham when he was alive. Any evidence that he lived here is a marketing stunt that no-one outside of Birmingham cares about enough to correct.
But don’t tell anyone, I could get into a LOT of trouble.
*the big budget film flop and Disney’s sailor with anger issues
** yes I’m a fucking journalist, I may not have the credentials or training, but I have massive balls and that’s got to count for something.