Danny Smith: Backstabbers Guide to Wolverhampton

In the slow news week between Christmas and New Years the BBC decided that it would be newsworthy to point out how shit Wolverhampton was. My first reaction was ‘have these people never been to Coventry?’

I mean our sister site, Wolverhampton: it doesn’t suck dog shit from the treads of a zombie’s hush puppies probably wont mind me saying that Wolvo is a bland wasteland of chain shops, a middlingly terrible football team with England’s most soulless and dispiriting ground and only a decent sized music venue to redeem it. But compared to the seventh ring of concrete hell that is Coventry, Wolverhampton is a mythical Shangri-La where lemonade runs from the taps and tramps vomit rainbows.

Its also not the first time Lonely Planet has had a pop at Wolverhampton or the Midlands in general. It seems we are the Lonely Planet’s go-to guys if they need quick bit of publicity. A bit like the Express resorting to anything Diana related when their figures dip, but instead of placing us on an impossible plinth, they piss all over our chips, our arms, and our hair.

These polls are bollocks, designed to appeal to lazy copy+paste journalists that regurgitate almost any press release that crosses across their desk. PR is journalism gone Sith and they know that a easy sound bite containing hyperbole like ‘fifth worst city in the entire universe’ will make a good and quick story.

It’s also worth bearing in mind here that the Lonely Planet brand has been owned by the BBC since 2007 and is one of the top four brands, along with Top Gear, Earth, and Doctor Who, that earned the BBC %17 of its revenues as reported in the 2008/2009 report. So essentially it was a news story about a story itself had published to publicise itself. And since when have the Beeb been allowed report nonsense? In fact that’s not what bothers me, its that the nonsense didn’t go far enough.

Suggested news stories for the BBC

  • Birmingham voted Britain’s most transparent city; ‘Is it made of glass?’ asks Liverpool
  • Tipton “World centre for diarrhoea”
  • Coventry is technically not a city and actually a lazy Black hole; ‘Spon End is just condensed Dark Matter’ apparently
  • Wolf and Bear baiting now legal in Birmingham; ‘if anything, they enjoy it more than we do’ claims crap wolf expert
  • Wolverhampton to host next years Wanklympics

  • Men from Northfield “UK’s most inconsiderate lovers”

Oh, that one might actually be true.

The opinions of Danny Smith do not necessarily reflect the views of the publishers of this blog, its affiliates, or any sane adult human beings. He currently lives in your cupboard, watching, always watching.

  • jaymeetee

    I'd like to say who gives a flying fox what the BBC says but sadly enough in this country they are held in high regard…..what a sad state of affairs!

  • I used to hold the BBC in high regard, but not for some years. Their standards have really slipped. Poor grasp of the English language and dumbing down to the point of being incorrect.

  • I'm really fed up of Wolves nicking half the decent touring bands. Surely there are enough music fans in Brum and Wolves to support bands visiting both cities? Might start a campaign or summat.

  • Would I be coming out of some kind of intellectual closet if I said that, having worked in Wolverhampton for several years, I actually quite like the place? Although you’re right about Molineux. My favourite Wolvo story: when they demolished the coke works next to the station, the crew working on it obviously had some gear pinched, and, in their chagrin, painted in big letters on the back wall of the site, clearly visible from trains arriving at the station from the south: “Smile Your On Camera You Thieving Bastards”. What a welcome!

  • Would I be coming out of some kind of intellectual closet if I said that, having worked in Wolverhampton for several years, I actually quite like the place? Although you’re right about Molineux. My favourite Wolvo story: when they demolished the coke works next to the station, the crew working on it obviously had some gear pinched, and, in their chagrin, painted in big letters on the back wall of the site, clearly visible from trains arriving at the station from the south: “Smile Your On Camera You Thieving Bastards”. What a welcome!

  • Would I be coming out of some kind of intellectual closet if I said that, having worked in Wolverhampton for several years, I actually quite like the place? Although you're right about Molineux. My favourite Wolvo story: when they demolished the coke works next to the station, the crew working on it obviously had some gear pinched, and, in their chagrin, painted in big letters on the back wall of the site, clearly visible from trains arriving at the station from the south: “Smile Your On Camera You Thieving Bastards”. What a welcome!

  • Anonymous

    But Wolverhampton is the worst place ever, Look here Wolverhampton is shit http://www.wolverhamptonisshit.co.uk