The transfer window

Okay, let’s have a bit of fun to brighten up a cold dull January. Football now has a transfer window – a short period of time during the season when clubs can buy and sell players – it’s fun for the press, not so much for the managers who have to make quick decisions, er, quickly.

So, hypothetically if there was a celebrity citizen transfer window — when a city could buy or sell residents (or those associated with it, but not living here eg Ozzy) — who would you as “manager” of Birmingham look to bring into your squad? Who would you ship out on loan to Rotherham?

For clarity’s sake, let’s say you must keep the city at the same size — so one it, one out.

Your ‘celebs’ must be of “similar value”, no swapping Paul Henry for Will Smith, we’re not made of fictional celebrity transfer cash.

I’ll start:

IN – Jeremy Clarkson (cos at least he’d stop having a go, and wouldn’t have to “drive around Birmingham” as he’d be driving into it).

OUT – Carl Chinn (lovely bloke, but who outside Brum knows who he is?).

Keep it celeb based (they can take it) and not libellous, but get to it:

13 comments for “The transfer window

  1. 8 January 2009 at 1:56 pm

    I’d like to transfer in the filmmaker John Waters. I’m sure he’d be as inspired by Birmingham as he has been by Baltimore. Plus it’d be great to see Birmingham being used as a location for filming. Which would mean I’d also get Patty Hearst on loan for getting John Waters. (Everyone needs a memory lapse, urban terrorist turned film star knocking around to make up the numbers for a game of bridge.)

    So it balances out I’ll have to get rid of two (so-called) comedians and a radio presenter. So my Out list contains- Jasper Carrot (I don’t find him amusing), Frank Skinner (same) and BBC WM presenter Les Ross- he’s the worst radio presenter I’ve heard.

    Does that balance out?

  2. 8 January 2009 at 2:02 pm

    OUT: Mike Whitby (well…)

    IN: Ken Livingstone (at least he’d be lively, and outsiders might start taking Birmingham a bit more seriously)

  3. Sammy
    8 January 2009 at 3:34 pm

    OUT: Roshan Doug – following his dismal showing in the Brummie of the Year awards, I don’t think he merits our attention any longer (although it seems the editor of The Birmingham Post has already taken that decision).

    IN: Idealy, Princess Diana (although this is probably unlikely for all manner of reasons). Instead I’d go for Dr Who – why should Cardiff get all the glory, the Time Lord would have a much better time of it in Brum.

  4. Jez
    8 January 2009 at 3:37 pm

    If you shipped in Clarkson, I’d be shipping him right by out again. I’d trade him for Victoria Pendleton. It’d be net carbon reducing, which can’t be bad, and it would give Cllr Hassell an excuse to top off his mighty 50m pool with a velodrome on the roof.

  5. Mick
    8 January 2009 at 8:19 pm

    A certain Mr Doolan could easily be replaced by compatriate Rolf (do you know what it is yet?) Harris. This would also free up the council to get on with their job rather than take senior managers out of meetings to answer stupid questions on trivial “issues” like why the wonky paving slab outside Mrs Smith’s house hasn’t been replaced yet etc etc

  6. Mick
    8 January 2009 at 8:22 pm

    And while we’re about it could we bring in Telly Savalas (my kinda town) to replace any bald afternooon presenters on Radio WM

  7. 8 January 2009 at 10:01 pm

    As tedious as it may seem, it’s incumbent upon me to point out that Frank Skinner ain’t from Birmingham.

    Black Countraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

    Of course I’ve no idea where he lives now, but I suspect it’s neither.

  8. 8 January 2009 at 10:40 pm

    Sorry Russ, from reading Frank’s latest bit of autobiography (or tour diary) I can confirm that not only does he think he’s from Brum, but he’s got a luxury appt somewhere over Brindley Place way (along with his no-doubt swankier pad in London).

  9. 9 January 2009 at 7:44 am

    He can think he’s from the moon for all that matters. He’s from the Oldbury/Langley area, being as that was where, y’know, he came from.

    Fair enough about living in East Bromwich nowadays, though.

  10. 9 January 2009 at 10:36 am


    As a Brummie transfer in (I’m sorry, you must not notice who got transferred out but I’m sure they were lovely) the whole Birmingham/Black Country thing to me is a bit odd.

    There’s no dividing wall. There’s no huge green line to indicate you’re now in the Black Country.

    And to be really honest because Birmingham has spread out and eaten up all the little towns it’s hard to tell where Birmingham stops and Wolverhampton begins. And that’s not an argument for Greater Birmingham. Just a gentle observation. (I know that’s not a popular opinion. I’m going to need to move soon aren’t I?)

  11. 9 January 2009 at 1:49 pm

    If the ground feels firm under your feet (apart from the mine subsidence), if the air feels pure to breathe (apart from the smoke) and if all is good and righteous – you’re in the Black Country.

    (In all seriousness, Ben – there are some disputed areas but Oldbury really really really ain’t one of them).

  12. Mick
    12 January 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Think you’ll find the spiritual boundary starts just past the baths on Thimblemill Road. From there on out people talk of “town” being Dudley which is 8 miles away rather than Birmingham a little over 5 miles and several light years away.

  13. 12 January 2009 at 7:57 pm

    “Think you’ll find”s don’t really work with this one. I, RowleyRegisMon, am completely and absolutely Black Country but ‘town’ is Birmingham nevertheless.

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